ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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