Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
