her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
