I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
