As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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