i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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