Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
