i was born a porn star she said
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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