i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
