My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
