one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
