I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
