A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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