I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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