It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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