On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
