There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
