I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Randomize
