Michael Bay diarrhea
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
