Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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