It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
