my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
