Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
