i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
