mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
