I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
