By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
