did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
