I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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