totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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