Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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