didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
