Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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