She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
