Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
