Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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