Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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