What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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