My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
