I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
