you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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