if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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