i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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