apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
