At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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