Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize