Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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