So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
