I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
