just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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